WHEN YOU’RE NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN, AND COMPLETELY UN-FREE TO EXPLORE YOUR SEXUALITY.
It’s pretty ironic now to consider highly sexualized 20 year old Britney asking us to give her time to figure out her sexuality. It might even seem contradictory. Because sexy clothing.
And boobies.
It’s always hard to navigate your blossoming sexuality as a teenager-young adult, whether you’re a guy, a girl or an international popstar. However, for us ladies, it also implies internalizing a double-edged sword.
On the one hand it seems like guys glorify sexually promiscuous women, but then when you go there you are more often than not slut-shamed.
All the while you’re just trying to navigate your new and improved hormonal system, and really so are they! Maybe guys feel like they have to glorify sexually promiscuous girls to seem masculine… but since I don’t have a penis I can’t really go any further down that road of speculation.
It’s pretty undeniable that while boys are thoroughly encouraged to explore their sexuality, whether girls can or can’t or could or shouldn’t or maybe this way but not that way but don’t wear that and not enough makeup or too much or… is anyone’s guess.
First acquaintances with one’s sexuality will probably affect you for the rest of your life. Think of it like the germinating seed of your blossoming sexual flower. Do you think that’s a metaphor? I did too, but then I googled sexual flower and now I’m really confused. No wonder pollination is used to explain sex to kids.
“the most sexual macro shot of a flower ever?” cried the embarassed author of this shot Suzanne Hagerty
The Terri Conley Stigmatized Sexualities lab is teaching us awesome things.
Their studies have proven that there are essentially 2 reasons women turn down casual sex :
1. The obvious one; fear of being labelled as a slut afterwards,
2. The smart one; belief that it wouldn’t be worth the trouble because it is unlikely they would achieve orgasm.
Shocker! Neither of them have to do with women not wanting sex as much as men.
Even more interesting, when it comes to gender differences in sexual regrets women’s mostly have to do with action, while men’s have to do with inaction.
Basically women are like: eeewww why did I sleep with him?
guys are like: aarrrrggghh why didn’t I make a move??
Isn’t it strange how the same things that each gender is traditionally stigmatized for is what each ends up feeling guilty about?
the loophole
Pretty much anyone who’s travelled has a ridiculous sex story or seven. I’d venture as far as to say it’s one of the main motivations for travelling in your early 20s. There’s a lot of things we do while travelling that we would never do at home for various reasons. Mostly, it revolves around a possibly false sense of freedom from judgement… The judgement of those that we expect to see again at some point.
The contrast between the way we act when surrounded by our peers versus the way we do when we think no one we know is watching speaks volumes. You can’t always choose who you see and don’t see in your day-to-day back home. In a foreign country, you can let loose like you never have before and no one else has to know (provided your travel buddies don’t take pictures or have equally embarrassing stories you can bribe them with). And those people you just met? you can hop on a train-plane-boat and be like ciao bitches! see ya never. Of course they will judge you, but you won’t be around to witness it. Thus, freedom to act on impulse occurs.
My point isn’t to encourage everyone to travel the world and sleep with random people (well, if that’s not your thing).
Ok we aren’t teenagers anymore, but fear of judgement, although probably diminished, hasn’t left us entirely. We often shun possible objects of our desire because we worry too much about their profile and how they will seem to other people in our lives. I’m not just talking about casual sex here, but I do think it’s important to explore just being with somebody simply out of instinctual attraction because it seriously helps us discover what it is we actually want and don’t want FOR OURSELVES.
It doesn’t even have to be about sex at all. Think about what holds you back from approaching people, and what makes you write off a possible interest. Think about what you consider your turn-ons and turn-offs. Now, consider if they are actually yours, or what you think the people around you would approve of. It’s hard to know for sure, but stepping out of that framework is one of the best ways to change your perspective considering possible objects of desire, enabling you to get to know your preferences without worrying if they align with those of your peers.
Just make sure you don’t end up with your own personal Kevin Federline.
These problems matter 